


I Don't Care

by AsYouWish_ForeverandAlways



Category: Spring Awakening, Spring Awakening - Sheik/Sater
Genre: Fluff and Angst, Hanschen being Hanschen, M/M, Nonsense, vineyard scene
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-20
Updated: 2017-07-07
Packaged: 2018-11-16 07:50:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,847
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11249343
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AsYouWish_ForeverandAlways/pseuds/AsYouWish_ForeverandAlways
Summary: Hanschen is coming to terms with his feelings about himself.





	1. Alone

I don’t need anyone to feel sorry for me. Nobody does. 

I don’t need anyone to love me. Most of the people that do don’t mean it.

But, I don’t let it bother me. That’s what makes me different from all the boys at my school. 

I only work with, and acknowledge truths I know I can survive. I skim off the cream of life

It can be hard, but, again, nobody cares. Except, Ernst. Sweet, naive, insecure, Ernst. 

We are similar in the way that we meet others expectations.

We differ in all the rest. I, am not sweet. I, am not naive. And, I am not insecure in the ways Ernst is, I am physically confident, he is morally so, but that's fine.

But, I can’t let that bother me. I can’t live with the thought that with every idea that I follow through with, everything I say, every word I utter, will be a disappointment to  
him. I can’t control whether he decides to stay with me. Although, that’s rather loose, to say the least, but, I am a disappointment to everyone, I feel like every child is. Gabor and Stiefel aren’t that special in that way. My father wanted a boy to be morally right and honest, the only thing I am is obedient with fingers crossed behind my back. Always.

Back to Ernst, to him, we are, “besties”, to me it’s just another jab that I don’t stand a chance with him. Maybe that's why I am so, “flirty” with everyone. I’m trying to push him away, make him see who I really am. Luckily, it doesn’t seem to be working. 

I don’t know where this is going, exactly. I guess I am trying to convince myself I am fine. Convince myself that nobody cares, that even he doesn't. That the only person that remotely matters to me, sees me as just a school friend. It’s working.

Back to the present, at some point I walk into Spanish on the day of our final. “Hola Ernst.” I say, sliding into my seat next to him. He smiles at me, I die inside, projecting cool confidence, and a hint of smugness. Always.  
“Hola Hansi.” He said, fiddling with his phone. 

We have a small conversation about the weather and time of day, and then I ask him what he likes.

As I watch him fumble for an answer, I stare at the window, thinking about all the things constantly going through my head. How I am Hanschen effing Rilow, and I don’t need to depend on anyone, just use them. That I don’t matter. Right?

“Eh…” He begins. 

“Come on Ernst, I believe in you.” I say, flashing him a hopefully disarming smile.

He blushed and said, “Me gustas.” 

I stared at him. He blushed a deeper red. I smirked at him, trying to play off how adorable, sweet, and endearing that was. I responded with a cool, “Sí yo, se”, and continued asking him questions. I spent the whole day we were testing sneaking glances at him, noticing how his hair fell into his face, and how beautiful he would look wrapped in my arms.

Maybe he wants to be more than just "besties".


	2. The Invitation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ernst asks Hanschen to spend time with him over the summer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really liked how this started, so I want to try a few more chapters. Its a beautiful pile of "I'm trying". So, here it is.

“Hey Hansi.” I hear someone say from behind me, it was crowded in the mall, but I distinctly heard my name. Hanschen, let alone Hansi isn’t a very popular name to give your son. It sounds outdated, and old fashioned. I am inclined to agree. 

I was about to tell the person who shouted my name to F off when I noticed it was Ernst trying to find a way to gently shove his way through the crowd to get to me. 

“Hello Ernst.” I say with a smirky smile once he is standing beside me in front of a store for children’s shoes. “We haven’t been out of class for more than a week, miss me already?” He just looked up at me with a slight smile. 

“I just, well I, um, I wanted to, um, ask you, well…” “Spit it out Ernst.” I say, hopefully in a teasing manner. You never know with Ernst though, sometimes he takes teasing as flirting, and flirting as an insult, really, the boy can be such a mess. 

But after that terribly confusing exchange last week during our Spanish final, part of me thought that he was trying to flirt with me, that he may have been interested in me. But, he hasn’t done anything else since then, I don’t know why I should care about Ernst. There are plenty of boys at our school, in our city, in our state, our country, and the world to chose from, admire, and make advances towards. Though, since he is right here, there's nothing wrong with just talking to a cute, quiet boy.

Finally, he seemed to have found his nerve, and he said, “I know it's the summer, but, um, my family is going out to our vineyard, and I need help with my Spanish, and I was wondering, since we’re friends, if you would like to come with us. Mainly to help me study.” He seemed so flustered, it was so cute. He is so cute.

“Well Ernst, I can see if I’m available. But, I need to know. Will we do more than just, study?” As I said “study”, I leaned in closer to him and really emphasized the “d” sound. He blushed and looked up at me with his large, full, gorgeous, brown eyes. They are perfect, always.

“Of course Hansi, we have a pool, and grapes, and um, my mom might even let you taste the wine, maybe. Or, well, you know, we also have a basketball court there I think if that's what you like...” Ernst isn’t usually this nervous, he used to be able to talk to me without blushing. Then, after a while, he seemed to blush after every word. It’s adorable. I couldn’t stand continuing to let him stammer though, so I said, “I’ll go with you, Ernst.” I started walking towards the exit. Ernst followed me, I am not even sure who he was here with, if anyone, but now didn’t seem the time to ask. I felt to involved in my teasing of him.

“You will?” He voiced with a slight smile, keeping step with me as we made our way to the parking lot. I stopped and turned to him. 

“Of course” Ernst smiled, and I just noticed that someone at the entrance was waving to him. As he smiled one last time at me and started to walk away, I muttered under my breath, “and maybe do a little Ari and Dante.” 

I don’t care what anybody says, about books not being sexy, because that book was surely something. It made their romance seem almost, simplistic. But in the real world, you might get several signals from a sweet, boy, whom you consider your friend, to be into you, but it turns out he is doesn’t even know how he comes across.

It doesn’t really matter though. That’s what gets me through this, that is what will get me through the time I just agreed to spend with him, it’s still just a friendship. I can use him as practice for the future. Maybe his older sister will be there?  
But no one will ever compare to Ernst. Unfortunately.

But I shouldn’t worry about that, so I won’t. I am Hanschen Rilow, and I am one sexy, flirty, scoundrel.


	3. The Arrival at the Vineyard

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hanschen and Ernst's family arrive at the vineyard, and Hanschen explains it from his point of view, and may behave like Hanschen.

 

Eventually it became Friday, and Ernst texted me from his parents’ car that they were outside. I grabbed my bags and made my way to the door. In the entryway, I saw my father sitting at the table. Coffee in one hand, and pen in the other. 

“Goodbye Father.” I called as I opened the door. “Goodbye Hanschen.” He said without looking up. That’s fine.

“Hello Ernst”, I say as I swing my bags into the back seat of his family's minivan. It’s almost cute. However, it is a little crowded with Ernst’s many younger siblings, and older sister. But the trash strewn around the floor, and the miscellaneous stains on the ceilings are a drawback, but why should I care? I have been in worse situations with impossibly attractive boys before. 

He gives me a nervous smile that melts my core. I smirk, and lean against his shoulder. This is going to be a great adventure.

 

The drive to the vineyard went by rather quickly for being 6 hours of Christian Rock and Kid’s Bop. Ernst and I would often have short conversations in between the songs. In other words, I would talk about something and he would nod quickly, or he would talk about something and I would smirk. It was fantastic. Terrible, but fantastic, and his families vineyard appeared to be that as well, terrible and fantastic.

When Ernst’s father pulled into the driveway and everyone piled out of the car, I realized I was the blondest one there, a small detail really, but something I noticed. I also noticed how tight Ernst’s khakis were, yet another thing I noticed. I also saw the pool to the left side of the house, and a small basketball court to the right. Not as ground breaking as Ernst in his pants, or my obvious hair color, but still, things to notice.

“Nice, isn’t it.” Ernst’s older sister said, I forgot her name. I nodded and smiled, and let my gaze travel to Ernst who was staring out at the vines that spread out underneath the ledge that the house seemed to sit on. 

“Ernst dear, why don’t you show Hanschen his room.” Mrs. Robel said, unbuckling the two toddlers that sat in the back. While she was busy with the children, I watched Ernst grab our bags (how thoughtful). 

After a moment, I turned to Mrs. Robel.

“Will I be in my own room?” I asked. She looked at me and gave me a slight smile.

“Yes, if that will be alright to you.” Now I see where Ernst got his polite demeanor.

“I don’t mean to be a bother,” I said apologetically, taking a slight pause as I grabbed one of the bags slipping out of Ernst’s arms (that boy is a mess). “But I am not good at sleeping by myself in strange places.” Ernst dropped another one of the bags he was carrying, and I hoisted that one over my shoulder as well.

**“** But Ernst told us that you were used to traveling. If we would have known we would have tried to have made better arrangements. Will you be okay to stay?” I nodded.

“Oh yes, I will be fine, and I think I will be okay to stay the whole time, but I would just feel better sleeping in a room with someone else.” With that Ernst dropped everything he was carrying. I smirked slightly, and I bent down to help him pick up his bags. As I stood up, I saw that  Mrs. Robel was giving me a thin smile. I can’t imagine what she thinks of me. It’s fine, I don’t think I really care what any Robel thinks of me. Except maybe Ernst. 

Then she laughed and said, “Well this is after all a sleepover of sorts, and that way it will be easier for you two to study. Ernst are you okay with sharing a room with Hanschen?” He nodded quickly, and hurried to an outside door that apparently led to the room we would be sharing. I smiled at Mrs. and Mr. Robel, and made my way to follow Ernst.

When he opened the door I set my stuff down on the floor. There was only one bed and very little floor space, so we will most likely have to share the bed.

I smiled to myself, as I saw Ernst stumble around the room trying to organize his things and whatever else he was doing on the limited floor space. 

I made my way to the large bed and sat down, reclining on the cushions, still smiling. 

If nothing else happens over the course of this day, or throughout the trip, I will at least be able to say that I have slept with Ernst Robel. 

I mean, not exactly, but, I don't really care.


	4. Vineyard Scene

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ernst sneaks out in the middle of the night and Hanschen finds him in the vineyard.

*Crash*

I woke up slowly and without grace, nestling deeper into the covers trying to ignore the sound of the door slamming. Then I remembered that I was sharing a bed with Ernst (somehow I keep forgetting). 

I sat up quickly and looked around the crowded room, but Ernst was gone, and had apparently gone outside. I didn’t expect him to be leaving in the middle of the night at the end of the first day, well, that's fine. Fine.

Carefully I got out of bed, and rummaged blindly for my shoes, and went to follow Ernst.

I walked along one of the many paths that led to through the vineyard. I felt like running, but I instead tried to walk as casually and relaxed as possible for a teen boy walking through a stranger's estate in the dark of night looking for a boy he was attracted to and had most likely pushed over the edge. 

Eventually I found Ernst sitting on a toppled crate among some of the taller vines. 

As I slowed my pace further, I heard church bells in the distance. I am not sure why there were church bells this late at night, but I decided not to question it as I said, “Those bells, so peaceful.” He turned to look at me. 

He almost seemed to sigh. I almost felt bad, thinking that I may have caused him some sort of discomfort, maybe sharing a room with me was pushing the bonds of our friendship. Maybe I should leave? Well no, that's not the Hanschen Rilow way. So instead, I moved closer to him and sat beside him on the crate. He shifted slightly, creating a larger distance between us.

“I know.” He almost seemed to whisper. Then he smiled.

“Sometimes, when it’s quiet in the evening like this I imagine myself as a country pastor,” and his eyes briefly met mine, “with my red cheeked wife...” I stopped listening. It’s fine, I don’t care. He can like women all he wants. After spending only a day with him and his family, they didn't seem like the kind of people who would be okay with him not having a wife. Fine. I already knew this already. I don't care. I just stared at him with a smirk on my face until he seemed like he was finished talking. 

“Really? Ernst, that’s cute, but that is not how life goes. But, fine. Live in your little fantasy. Though, a man should really go three ways. He is either defeated by society, pushed away by society, or simply uses it, like me. I skim off the cream of life.” 

I wrapped my legs around the crate and leaned in closer to him, daring him to look away from me. A look of awe and indecision on his face.

Before I lost my nerve completely, I closed what little gap we had and kissed him. It was quick and fast, but I did feel him lean in slightly before he broke away.

“Oh God!” He sighed, leaning away from me.

“Mmm, I know. When we look back, tonight will seem, unbelievably, beautiful.” I said, making my way to get off the wooden crate, but then I felt his hand on my sleeve. 

“And in the meantime?” He asked. I smiled as I said, “Why not?”

I leaned into him, grabbing his face gently in my hands, wishing the crate was a little larger and smaller. Somehow he got into my lap, his legs hanging off the crate behind me while we were kissing. He pulled away too soon.

“I don’t know what I expected when I invited you to come with me here.” He panted, leaning his forehead against mine. I tried to mask my hurt with a smirk. However, my voice came out strained as I said, “Are you sorry that we-”, he cut me off. 

“No.” He said, placing a quick kiss upon my lips as he said, “No, I love you Hanschen, as I have never loved anyone."

I wrapped my arms tighter around him as I whispered, “And so you should.” I pressed my mouth against his, and we kissed again. 

It was wonderful, I have kissed plenty of boys, girls, and people aimlessly there, but I have never kissed him. 

I know I shouldn’t get myself into situations that might lead me to an edge I can’t get back over, but Ernst? Something about him makes me want to care. He is devastatingly handsome, easily pushed to blushing, and the kindest person I have ever met. 

I felt the kiss deepen, and I realized I don’t care about anything except Ernst. I just don’t care.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For this last scene I used a lot of the dialogue from the musical Spring Awakening because it was and is incredibly perfect. Also, I hope you have enjoyed reading this. I deeply apologize for any and all inconsistencies in voice, mistakes in grammar, and any other pieces in this writing that may have mentally harmed you. Thank you.

**Author's Note:**

> I am sorry if this doesn't make sense, well, that is adolescences.


End file.
